Technically Speaking
by Pollux Unbound
Summary: "Did you kiss me while I lay unconscious on a hospital bed?" Byakuya asks his lieutenant. Renji Abarai swallows hard, "Well, technically…" ByaRen / RenBya set in the Final Arc. May contain spoilers. One-shot.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach.

…

The world which he knew to be quite a mighty tyrant was now lifting its fury from him. In the first place, the discovery that his captain was barely hanging on to life had given him some kind of a trauma. Indeed, when Renji Abarai was discharged from the hospital, with the impending death of Kuchiki Byakuya hovering like a dark cloud above, all he had left to do was to be done being a shinigami or quit life altogether. He even seriously considered becoming a sewer cleaner, which probably illustrated what he now thought of life in general: full of shit. But then the ordeal ended. It ended when some dude from the Zero Division took matters into his own hands and cured all the gravely maimed.

In the meantime, Kuchiki Byakuya was propped on a hospital bed, duly awaiting his own consciousness to resume its business with him. Comatose wasn't a bitch but it was hella boring if you were to watch someone in it until he woke up. Notwithstanding this current state in which his captain lay, Renji faithfully monitored the infirmed day in and day out.

At one point, he couldn't take it anymore. His captain was just so fucking handsome, especially in this sorry, utterly defenseless state. Just why did the contrast between his black hair and fair complexion have to be amplified now in this very sordid environment? And what was with those closed lids anyway? Why, they made his freaking eyelashes look much thicker than before, as if he could be so easily tamed, seduced even! _Raped_ even? And those slightly parted lips weren't doing Renji any favors either. Because a closer peek partially revealed the attractive front teeth, it wasn't difficult to imagine smothering that mouth with one's very own lips. If none of the nurses, or any group of people for that matter, had tried to kiss the sleeping man before him, he sure wanted to find out _why_. These were the questions Renji Abarai asked himself.

So now, now that he could stand the sight no longer, he found his face, lips first, bearing down on his captain's mouth. And what was there to lose? Provided none of this shameless exploit was to come to anyone's knowledge, he would, instead, be gaining something in return; the experience of tasting Byakuya's lips, for instance. That ought to be fucking priceless. Also, demonstrating logic wasn't his forte anyway, so screw that shit. Lastly, it was just a kiss, for crying out loud, a harmless deed, so to hell with hesitation! As far as he knew, no one had ever died of a freaking kiss.

_Even the very infamous Kiss of Judas failed to kill a specific someone instantly. Duh. _From this thought Renji gained comfort. It didn't occur to him that the 'specific someone' happened to be a messiah or something.

But what Renji Abarai didn't know above all was, people had actually been stirred awake from the dead, or at least from coma, _by a kiss_. This phenomenon was more commonly known as The Kiss of True Love… or some other bullshit. Nevertheless, as luck would have it, someone had to gain consciousness at the most inconvenient moment. All of a freaking sudden. Right before their lips touched. Said someone happened to be the Captain of the Sixth Division.

Byakuya's lids parted asunder. Finding the tip of his nose mere inches from his lieutenant's, he could not help the bewilderment that now beset him. What was Renji doing stooping down on him, eyes closed and lips slightly ajar? Why, if this descent should last for two more seconds no doubt their lips would have to come to some physical confrontation, like a…kiss. Just then, he had to heave a short breath, to which Renji opened his eyes, at long last.

Brown eyes met purple eyes.

It seemed that no excuse, no matter how valid, could lessen the shock washing over them both. Renji figured he had to pull away. He could maybe concoct some lame excuse or otherwise pretend none of this shenanigan was actually happening. Come to think of it, what was the harm in either of those? More importantly, what was the point of NOT denying? Oh, how his mind now was starting to acquire a different shade, because all he wished for at the moment was for Byakuya to just fall back into some deep oblivion and to wake up some half a century later, or when Renji no longer existed. Or maybe he could pretend he had tripped onto something that made him fall over his captain's bed—you know, things that would make this fiasco look like an accident. Those should do the job, right? It was, however, too late, because something more urgent was begging to be given its due; medical attention was what his captain needed in this occasion. Having established that much, Renji promptly traipsed toward the intercom to ring the Fourth Division. In no time flat, Kuchiki Byakuya was carted to the examination room where his condition was to be further assessed, leaving Renji lost in confusion.

…

Keeping a straight face in front of his captain now proved to be a challenge. As a result, encountering him at every corner fell nothing short of frustrating. As soon as Byakuya emerged from a door or from some obscure opening, certain feelings would come rushing to Renji Abarai. These were longing, love, maybe even lust—of all fucking things—, all played to the point of what felt like an emotional collapse. And, of course, this nightmare wasn't going to end anytime soon because Kyouraku Shunsui, the newly appointed Captain Commander, had summoned him to his office.

"Your captain's Ban Kai is gone."

"I saw it happen with my own eyes, commander."

"Yours wasn't stolen, I believe."

"You are correct, sir."

"Well, then, am I correct in thinking you now stand as the strongest soldier in the Sixth Division?"

The question almost took the breath out of Renji. To his estimation, Kyouraku might've been acting dumb or simply kicking up a fuss. For, while his captain had lost the ability to summon the powers of his Zanpakotou, he still surpassed Renji in every other category; in terms of Shunpo or efficiency in performing binding spells and Kidou. It may be true that Renji's lifelong dream was to surpass his boss but, at the same time, he was thoroughly aware it was not going to happen overnight. Would that it could.

"I'm afraid you're not. Kuchiki-taichou remains the most powerful man in our Division, and he always will, with or without his Ban Kai."

The new commander perused him, thereby disposing Renji to arrange his posture. In time, the commander's voice was heard,

"Well said, Lieutenant. On that respect, I entreat you to make your captain feel exactly just that. Of late, he's been appearing to me as the shell of the man he once was. With the proud, self-satisfied air about him now conspicuously absent, I find it hard to reconcile him with the Kuchiki Byakuya I used to know."

"What exactly are you asking of me, Kyouraku-taichou?"

"It's simple. By engaging yourself in intense Kidou, Shunpo, and martial arts training, as well as everything else that isn't Ban Kai-related, your squad's overall strength shall doubtless increase. On that note, from this day onward, you are to enhance your other capabilities which, in turn, will require _one-on-one _practice sessions. This means your captain shall be your _personal_ instructor."

"What?!"

"It is imperative that we bring back Kuchiki-taichou's confidence. Frankly, pep talk or sit-down counseling ain't gonna do him no good, so I might as well kill two birds with one stone. It's probably the best idea I've come up with in months. You're going to make your captain assert his position as the top and strongest man among his comrades."

And what was with this shit anyway? Suddenly he was a measly trainee? A confidence retriever? A repairman? The very person instrumental to bringing Byakuya to finally pick up the pieces of his reputation as a renowned soldier of the Gotei Thirteen? It was absurd. Amidst all that, Renji was sure Kyouraku's proposal was not one hundred percent gallantry. In fact, the order was borne out of pure necessity. Unlike Toushiro Hitsugaya, who so readily accepted his situation as a man no longer capable of some great power, Byakuya was preposterously proud and he was exactly the type who'd refuse to accept that his beloved Zanpakotou had abandoned him. And so the lieutenant yielded, but not without due alarm.

…

"I wish you'd pay more attention, Renji." Byakuya rejoined after nullifying with his bare hand Renji's piteous attempt at a Level 40 Bakudo.

The clock struck eight in the evening, thereby marking the last moment of the six hours they had spent together in seclusion all afternoon. With the long, grueling day behind them, Renji was grateful to collapse on the ground, if only to catch what remained of his breath. The regrettable Kidou spells he had tried to pull earlier served nothing to allay his frustrations, and for that reason he was already sweating like a wheezing hog. But just then the least of expected things happened; Byakuya Kuchiki approached him, whereby Renji made a motion to sit himself up.

"Thanks, for today, cap. I'll master these stupid spells before them bastard Quincies attack again. I promise you."

The captain merely shrugged, allowing an almost oppressive silence to come between them. Before long, if this kept up, the training ground was going to be an arena for some continuous staring match or other wordless exposition. Needless to say this simply reinforced the thorny feeling the lieutenant was beginning to foster, he started to sweat-drop more profusely, if that was even possible. Hoping for this purgatory to end, he tried to stand up, when something _utterly _hideous unleashed itself from Byakuya Kuchiki's mouth,

"Did you kiss me while I lay on that hospital bed?"

Well. Renji sure as hell wished he hadn't heard a shit. In fact, it took every ounce of his constitution to refrain from pressing his palms against his ears and to hum "La la la" repeatedly at the top of his lungs. But, contrary to what he was begging for, in a time and place called reality, he had heard his captain perfectly well. And what kind of a crazy question was that? Why was his captain inquiring of something that _almost _happened some donkey days ago? Why, he had had all the goddamned time and opportunity to ask that over the week, and yet somehow, for some fucking reason, he chose the most gorgeous time to ask Renji a question the latter would rather not answer. In fact, it was driving Renji nuts. And just for the record, his attempt fell short of succeeding. So, in all truthfulness, the answer was,

"N—no, really, c—captain." Renji stammered.

"No? It must have been my imagination, then."

"Yeah, uhm, it must be that, sir."

"Oh. I was hallucinating then?"

"Pardon me?"

"It should follow I've gone insane."

"N—no, I didn't mean that—"

"—and perhaps you mean to imply I have contracted some _brain damage _from the injuries I sustained?"

Byakuya's gaze was now soliciting, but nothing quite topped the humorlessness with which he drew himself. One could even argue that he was offended and was now seeking retribution from the man who had wronged him. As it was, Renji felt himself vindicated, his current crisis acute, and yet somehow he managed to keep a space clear in his mind for mental counsels of self-restraint, which was no small achievement in itself. Now wrung to an inescapable corner, Renji resolved to unravel his so-called truth,

"Technically speaking, boss, I most certainly did NOT kiss you. If I remember correctly, you, erm, woke up from your coma right before our lips, erm, touched. Technicalities suggest it was, as a matter of fact, an almost-kiss. Hence, not one manner of intimacy transpired between us in that hospital ward." Renji finished, his sweat drenching his undergarments wet. Taking his captain for a fool and expecting him to buy this 'almost-kiss' crap were a desperate move but, as what his intellect permitted, it sounded genius to him anyway.

All the while, serenity was that one thing anyone could have designated to the captain, if nothing else. It really did seem like he would not have found it hard to dive into an eternity of repose. It was something to be envied, frankly, as Renji himself at the moment was begging the ground to swallow him whole and be done with this shit. But Byakuya Kuchiki really had to press on,

"Hado 0.5"

Instantly a faint spell of light issued from the captain's palm. As soon as the spell was propelled at Renji, his hakama and the rest of his training regalia burst into flames. A sharp gasp was heard. When it came to intuition, at least in the face of something so entirely sudden and uncalled for, Renji was like a man whose upbringing and education did not exist, like, ever. And so acting without sufficient reflection, he clawed his fast-burning raiment away from his skin, as if that was the only solution in sight, thereby stripping himself down to his childishly patterned boxer shorts, never realizing how simple the counter spell for his dilemma was. After what seemed like endless, ungainly attempts to subdue the fire that consumed his clothing, Renji panted, faced his captain, and asked, his near-nakedness as unnerving as the panic that now beset his face,

"D—did you just try to strip me naked, Captain Kuchiki?!"

"Don't be silly."

"And what the hell is a Hado 0.5?!"

"You've just had it done on you. Do you, by any chance, wish to see it _again_?"

Captain Kuchiki's eyes coursed over what remained of his lieutenant's attire. Surely, setting that shrunken pair of boxers aflame proposed no real difficulty. It could've been a fanciful final touch, he mused. The idea was quite tempting for some reason. On the other hand, for the first time in his life, Renji suspected his captain was horsing around. Horsing around was precisely the kind of thing Renji was good at, but he did not know what to do with it once someone else pulled it on him. And his captain, he was sure, was pulling it on him for the meantime.

"No, no more of that. I was just asking if you were, err, trying to get my clothes off or to burn me to ashes or something… anyway, it was just a question—"

"—Was I trying to get you off your clothes?"

"Like I said, it was just a question…sir."

"Technically speaking," the captain paused for effect, the last two words given their due emphasis, before resuming, "you—not I—ripped your own clothing to pieces, desperately, like some lunatic, and in front of your captain at that too. It was, if anything, unsightly."

_Technically speaking, he says_. _A dose of my own medicine, huh? _Renji, as of the moment, had great many things lying on his imagination, one of which was the possibility that his captain was losing his handicap in the humor department. While he didn't put it past his captain to impose his superiority in this very bizarre, but nevertheless deriding, manner, he deduced he couldn't put this moment to waste. Yes, in the end, a grin cracked the lieutenant's lips apart. As things were, it was quite easy to see through his contrivance.

"Is that so, captain? What was that again, Hado 0.5? I think I can pull that shit off."

"Taking into account your Kidou efficiency, I wouldn't trust you on that; not in a million years."

"Really? How about a little game, Kuchiki-taichou?" The lieutenant challenged, his smile never leaving his lips.

Renji's boldness of speech seemed to have lain both of them out for some blasphemy. Exempting past cocky opponents and Zaraki Kenpachi, no one had ever spoken to Byakuya Kuchiki like this. Hence, at this time, there commenced a conversation which could never be replicated anywhere else in the whole of Soul Society.

"Fine."

"In the next five minutes, if I ever manage to successfully pull this so-called elementary Hado 0.5 on _your _clothes, _don't _cast a counter spell."

For a moment, a peculiar expression prevailed on the captain's face. It lasted for a few seconds, until he inquired,

"Are you trying to strip me off my clothing, Renji?"

"Technically speaking, I am. Wouldn't it only be fair, sir? I mean, I know you're the boss around here but I don't wanna be the only one getting out of this place in his boxer shorts. Jeez."

Renji must have lapsed to some sheer idiocy, else he was begging to be blown away by some Level 99 Hado or something higher. But he knew exactly where this insolence was coming from. It was coming from the fact that his captain's strength had somewhat diminished, as he believed, and therefore getting smashed by his superior was far from happening, especially when he could always resort to his Ban Kai if worse came to worst. _Yes, fuck you, Zenbon Sakura. Don't ever fucking come back. _All this was causing his head to reel.

At any rate, Kuchiki Byakuya was starting to see what was happening. _Is this how humans flirt? _Many a fool before Renji had sought to gain access to his affections, all of them failing miserably. And here was his faithful lieutenant, taking his chances like some audacious moron with hardly any arsenal. For all that, however, Kuchiki Byakuya was finding the man before him hard to refuse. _Why? Is it because in the absence of my Zanpakotou he now looms stronger than me? And therefore I ought to submit to whatever demands he wished to push forward unless I desire to be maimed inches from death once more? After all, what right have I, a powerless soul, to rebel against someone stronger, a Bank Kai wielder? _These were, in point of fact, the baloney questions Byakuya asked himself. Like in the case of Renji before him, it was equally as easy to see through his contrivance.

And now Renji only had enough mind to hear what his captain had to say next,

"You should've said so in the first place. Frankly, I can't even bring myself to trust you with a half Hado. May I spare both of us the trouble, Renji?"

At first, understanding came slow to Renji. But when his captain started to remove his Haori, with ease, and when the sash he wore as a harness around his waist was thrown to the ground…Renji's life was bracing itself for a fast-approaching transformation, he thought. And Captain Kuchiki was now disrobing.

END

**A/N**: Okay, obviously Hado 0.5 is an invention. Pardon me for the errors.


End file.
